Moments and Memories — A psychological narration

               
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that, this too, was a gift !"

                                        -Mary oliver  

Up in the middle of the night ,being unable to sleep,I stand near the  window of my room.I see the full moon coruscate in pride,as the fluffy clouds put forth their endless effort to cover up for its faulty spots,perchance no matter what , this night will never cover up for my faults like those sympathetic clouds up in the vast night sky. Also I could take the duvet for cover while the tick-tock of the clock lulls me to sleep,somehow tonight this lullaby won’t sing me to sleep, instead it will lure me into that old trap of memories that will act as the salt on my wounds, failing my wit with the freshness in my wounds as I reacall the fateful night.
Yes , it has been a year now and I must reconcile with this deceitful night that will sing me the melody of pain. Was this not the night that had kept me awake the previous year in excruciating agony! And will that agony return tonight to safely set ashore those lost memories of you as I feel that connatural aura weave the air around me as I let open the window to perceive that aura of pain again, to hear that melody of pain yet again, thinking with a tinge of hope that you too would,if not for me then for your own soul that lives in the lane of my memories , let open the gates for this journey, circumstantial particularly for tonight.I was never afraid to end my life after you walked my exit but I did not hold my breath just because I could not dare to let your memories , not a single memory to slip out of my soul integrated with your beckoning heart
Hence I am living but with the wish to die,with the curtains of your endearing face before my brooding eyes.
Hopeful of your return, well mindful that you would never look back, I wait in vain. The reflection of the self hurts when I spot out the moist eyes,but I resist!
And as I see now, gently the dense clouds enshrine the luminosity of the moon, with beseeching eyes,I hear the spatter of the rain against the verdant field of my house, as I inhale the redolent odour of the clammy mud. As I let the moments pass I do feel the night taking toll of my heaviness. And now the incessant showers rhythmically lash the vale. Till now it looked as if only a few clouds were mocking at the inability of others to burst but all of a sudden , this excessive deluge bespeaks the sympathy each cloud has for the other which suffice to spin an alluring environment to give vent to the emotions without being ashamed as I feel the crystal beads line my lashes,all set to drown my existence, satisfied that each time I drown my existence a part of me rests with your heart and with each attempt to expunge myself, this night reminds me that you shall never allow me to lose the purpose to live. Tonight as I try to iron that wrinkled page of your life that you left with me, I know God must be smiling at you and you must be smiling softly back at Him, trying to suppress that boiling volcano of tears that steams to burn the memories there and flood my moments here.
I let out a wistful sigh , confused whether this will relieve me or console my miserable direction of thoughts that fail to impede the moisture to wet my smouldering cheeks . Defying  the curfew of resistance I allow my emotions to overpower me as the struggle with your treasured memories will severely defeat me tonight , hence I try to be at peace in recollecting your words once spoken out of deep bonding and affection, I am forced into an abyss of reminiscence with the black hole of night dissecting and dissolving every second that now shall be history. With such intense nostalgia pain would soon be heard as a language in words written with the translucent ink of our tears. Oh! You have somehow set the wheel frantically twirling into a scintillating flashback of time in my mind that reels in the radiance of those but un-noticed moments that tonight hold a consequential relevance in your heart and in my heart too!
Not readily but tonight I shall accept my laconic and curt temperament to be your criminal, hence I feel deliriously tempted to walk to  this altar that you have laid for me so that I might acquit myself of those allegations , indictments and accusations that ruthlessly jab my conscience every moment. Not that I do not think of you the other days and nights but I have set this night exclusively to acclaim the right to be convicted in your court of eternity as this night marks the holocaust not put on any records but permanently carved out on the two cloistered hearts in a veined rough texture. And before any decree is passed , I shall find myself imprisoned behind the bars of your memories again , a chastiment good enough to shatter my resistance shown. As the minutes crumple in hours , my bones out of fatigue crave for comfort and I drag my weary body to be laid back on my velvety and warm bed on which as I rest contradicting my nobility feels bleak and prickly tonight to deprive me of any comfort and I keep on tossing from one side to the other just when your radiant ,ochre eyes meet my sleep deprived, tired eyes and your lovely face greets me warmly as you smile at me in peace easing me of my listlessness,but alas! Frozen in that captured moment caged in this intricately designed wooden frame on my side-table, accentuating under the illumination of the table lamp as if violently blazing to challenge me to remove this last remain of yours which I have held dearer to my own breath since a year. Taking the wooden frame in my hands ,I stare into your deep eyes as if they would just now twinkle to let out a drop of tear to skim down your florid cheeks. Yes this face once would comfort me of all the prosaic distress and I would float into a state of awe as I recall your dulcet voice that once would call after me, the curve of your rubicund lips that would blossom into a gentle smile making the wilted flowers to bloom again, your angry grimace on my senseless natter, your sweet fragrance that would dazzle my senses and of course the radiance of your deep, ochre eyes as if inviting me to jump in to assess its depth……..all but is now a delusion I visualize to betray my current state of helplessness for if I remember those cherished moments of  delight and ecstasy, I also do not forget this melancholic night when I stood traumatized at the doorway like a mute spectator watching you leave my world forever!
The outcome of such a vacillating bond after some more time is this:- Tired and heavy eyes thirsty for tears and a heavy, reticent heart lamenting the flood of my inexplicable grief that washes away my sensibility.
They say that a broken heart is the hardest to repair…uh! But to repair a heart that does not wish to be saved is an impossibility which tonight I realize after floundering tirelessly for a year now watching the days unfold their vagueness, there is a void without you in my life and the special place that I have devotedly assigned to you can never be engrossed by anyone else,not in life!
But as I ramble on with myself this night, squirming from side to side clasping this wooden frame close to my chest I wonder do you ever yearn to return back to me, do you ever hear me scream just to repudiate  the voice of silence you have gifted me with? Do you ever feel this intense longing I have still and will this ever fade away? Are things ever going to get better? Or with the accustomed life I will have to delude myself with the abstraction of “destiny”. As these questions pound my head, with great care I place the wooden frame back on my side-table and I push the duvet aside. Getting out of the bed, I stand on my heels but with difficulty, I drag  myself to the window again. As I peep out of the window nothing but a stretch of darkness awaits me as I feel the rain drops trip over my cheeks,perhaps a temptation for my eyes!
Although with remorseful decisiveness,I must find a panacea to cure my contrition as I look around, this has to be done but tonight! With an impulsive movement of my arm I twitch  to bolt and close the window firmly and then I draw the curtains over, ambiguous as to why I did it.

With an air of protest,I fight my own quixotic self as I manage to crawl back into my bed and pull the warm duvet over my head as I give in to my helplessness and submit to some unseen force,hopeful that this cursed night will after all now bestow some mercy and cradle me to sleep,thus I close my heavy eyes…..

With the first streak of light entering my room through the crevice between the curtains ,my eyes open to the harmonious chirping of the birds. The rain must have stopped as soon as the tryst with that fateful night must have ended. I rub my eyes to wipe away the doleful giddiness of the previous night, stretching my arms I heave away the duvet and turn to get out of the bed , as my gaze shifts to the other side, my eyes meet the stillness of your eyes in the wooden frame and I freeze again……….!  

       Num Hai palkein teri aey mauj-e-hawa raat ke saath                     

       Kya tujhey bhi koi yaad aata hai barsaat ke saath? 

                     -Parvin Shakir

Moist lashes lined with crystal beads oh the spurt of gale as night dawns upon

To you, also, does this rain recoups the distant memories of someone long back gone?

       -(Transcreation) Sana Shah

 .                               -Sana shah